


[PODFIC] Shut up and keep imaginary pailing me.

by 2x2verse (agent_florida)



Series: suddenly, voiceacting [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dirty Talk, M/M, Masturbation, Phone Sex, Podfic, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2018-01-14 16:19:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1273021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_florida/pseuds/2x2verse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>shameless johnkat phonesex</p>
            </blockquote>





	[PODFIC] Shut up and keep imaginary pailing me.

**Author's Note:**

> i can't explain this one either

JOHN: I miss you.

KARKAT: Don’t get all fucking sentimental on me, Egbert.

JOHN: Fine, fine. I won’t. So what are you wearing?

KARKAT: What in the everloving shit does that have to do with anything?

JOHN: You said don’t be so sentimental.

KARKAT: And so you’re distracting me with your inane babble instead? Fine. I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Happy?

JOHN: What kind of t-shirt? I didn’t hear you! What’d you say?

KARKAT: The one you got me for my wriggling day, asshole, now can we move on to an actually productive thread of conversation?

JOHN: Sure. Just tell me what you’re wearing under your clothes.

KARKAT: Are you grubshitting serious. I just told you everything I was wearing.

JOHN: You’re not wearing any underwear?

KARKAT: Did I fucking stutter.

JOHN: No. No, you didn’t.

KARKAT: Egbert. What. Are you doing.

JOHN: What do you think I’m doing, dipshit?

KARKAT: Touching yourself like you’re ready to get pailed.

JOHN: Wow. A plus. Get the man a medal.

KARKAT: Why are you trying to do that when I’m not there?

JOHN: I told you. I miss you. What did you think I was doing when I asked you what you were wearing?

KARKAT: Is that some stupid fucking pick up line bullshit from your awful excuse of a planet? I regret creating you. You and all your stupid pink apebeast friends.

JOHN: You could always shut up and join me. Where are you?

KARKAT: The hotel room.

JOHN: Anyone else around?

KARKAT: No…? … Oh, no. Egbert, why.

JOHN: Because I know it’s getting to you. You always tell me to shut up but then it’s like you never want me to be quiet ever when we’re… doing things.

KARKAT: Fine. What do you want?

JOHN: Your pants around your knees and your fist around your bulge.

KARKAT: Are you fucking kidding me?

JOHN: No. Come on, it’ll be fun.

KARKAT: Hold on. ... Now what?

JOHN: Catch up.

KARKAT: All right, fine, fine, don’t keep going without me. What am I supposed to do?

JOHN: Think about me.

KARKAT: And?

JOHN: Tell me what you’re thinking.

KARKAT: No—what—no, that’s—perverted and gross!

JOHN: Not anything worse than what I’m thinking.

KARKAT: Fine. Fine, Egbert, I’ll bite. What are you thinking?

JOHN: Ironically, about you biting. I still have a mark on my neck. Remember?

KARKAT: Yeah. I remember. Someone wouldn’t shut up even when I bit him.

JOHN: It turned purple. It’s fading away now. Wish it wouldn’t. God, Karkat, you get so vicious. I love it when you do that.

KARKAT: Egbert, do you ever shut up? Fuck, I’m about to reach through the phone just so I can put it in your bulge holster.

JOHN: See, I think—I think it’s the other thing. I think you like listening to me narrate what I’m going to do to you when you get home.

KARKAT: And what exactly is that?

JOHN: Gonna—nnh. Gonna slam you into a wall and kiss you as hard as I can. Get your horns in my hands—

KARKAT: Not—not the horns.

JOHN: I thought you liked it when I touched them.

KARKAT: That’s because it makes me slime, nookbutt.

JOHN: Nookbutt, really?

KARKAT: Shut up and keep imaginary pailing me.

JOHN: Fine. I won’t touch the horns right away. Won’t take long until you’re begging me to, I bet.

KARKAT: Like hell will I beg.

JOHN: You’ve done it before.

KARKAT: Oh, please.

JOHN: See? You’re doing it right now.

KARKAT: As in please shut up or get back to what you were talking about, my bulge is going to wilt.

JOHN: Want me to bite your neck? Yeah. Just where you bit mine. I want everyone to see that.

KARKAT: Like your stupid blunt human teeth could mark me.

JOHN: If at first you don’t succeed, try try again, right? I don’t want you anywhere but the front door. Too impatient. Can’t wait.

KARKAT: If you could wait we wouldn’t be—ahh—fucking doing this…

JOHN: Gonna get on my knees and undo your pants and pin your hips to the wall and get my mouth on your bulge—

KARKAT: Egbert, that’s—oh fuck that’s filthy…

JOHN: What? Blowing you? Like you said. Stupid blunt human teeth. I couldn’t hurt you if I tried.

KARKAT: Get to the part where you’re pailing me until my thinkpan turns to grubmeal.

JOHN: Getting into this too, huh. Knew you would. Do you want to be up against the wall? Or do you want me tearing you down and slamming you against the floor so I can take you like an animal?

KARKAT: Oh, fuck, Egbert, yes—

JOHN: Not yet.

KARKAT: Oh god damn it fucking shit nookwhiffing taintchafing fucknugget!

JOHN: Love you too.

KARKAT: Fuck me. Fuck me fuck me fuck me—

JOHN: Do you have your fingers in your nook?

KARKAT: Yes, you fucking moron—

JOHN: Faster. Fast as you can. And your bulge, that too—

KARKAT: Fuck—Egbert, I’m close, let me—

JOHN: Want me to touch your horns?

KARKAT: Yes, please, please, fuck, fuck, fuck!

JOHN: Knew I could—ahh—have you begging. Wanna spill?

KARKAT: Egbert—John, I’m not kidding—

JOHN: Do it, wanna hear it—

KARKAT: John!

JOHN: Oh, god, Karkat, you sound so—

JOHN: When did you say your flight was?

KARKAT: Not soon enough.


End file.
